Thursday, June 4, 2009

What Would Jesus Do in an Unhappy Marriage?

It breaks my heart when I see some of the queries people use to reach my blog or website. The other day, someone found my blog using the query wwjd unhappy marriage. I know nothing of the person who typed this query, but in my mind I see a young mother sitting at the computer with a baby in her lap. Her husband is at work now, but last night he said something that upset her. She fired something back at him and he just laughed. So, today, she’s sitting there with her baby sucking on a bottle and she types wwjd unhappy marriage into a search engine. I hurt for her. Or maybe it’s a him. Either way, I feel for this person and I wonder if he found a good answer. I’m not sure that my blog provided the best answer, but shouldn’t a Christian author be able to answer the question, what would Jesus do in an unhappy marriage?


If we look at what Jesus said, we see in Matthew 19:6 that he said concerning a husband and wife, “Therefore they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Then in verse 9 he says, “Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whoso marrieth her who is put away doth commit adultery.” It is hard for some people to accept, but if an unhappy marriage is the only problem, Jesus would be against divorce. Find a way to love each other and work through the problems.


Of course, you could be thinking, Jesus was single when he said that. What would he do if he were married? For that answer, we go to the Old Testament. The Book of Hosea contains the story upon which I based For the Love of a Devil. Hosea, through his own marriage, paints a picture of God’s “marriage” to Israel. This marriage is as far from a happy marriage as you can get, but it is the most beautiful love story in the Bible. God sends Hosea to marry a woman that he knows is trouble. Hosea finds Gomer and she seems content to stay with him for a while. She has three kids, but it isn’t real clear how many were Hosea’s. In any case, Hosea named them all, as if they were his own. Gomer left Hosea to be with other men. She thought they could give her more than Hosea could, but Hosea kept his eye on her and looked after her. It appears that Hosea may have given some of these men money and other things so they could take care of Gomer. But he withdrew his support for a while, so that the men left her. Perhaps for someone younger and prettier, and with more money. Without their support, Gomer fell into slavery. And then the Bible tells us that God told Hosea, to go love her. Hosea goes to the slave market. He buys his wife back. That is what Jesus would do and has done in an unhappy marriage.

14 comments :

andereggmartina said...

I work with infidelity as a spiritual psychotherapist. The pain and deep psychological hurt that this does to a couple is unbelievable and in some cases unsurmountable. God can and does heal these wounds and only through forgiveness can couples recreate and rediscover who they are as a marriage. Two shall become one and all of the tennets of the Bible have not been taken seriously by the world. People get into relationships and marriage way too easily without discernment, prayer or any kind of thought as to what they are getting themselves into. Then children come along and still no discernment about parenting issues, parental rules etc. You know how it goes. I am not judging anyone or want to judge anyone but How is it that we require a licence to drive, marriage but there is no discussions or any course for having children. I stand on the side of the unborn. I have worked with so many children, adults etc that have so much pain because they were not wanted or loved or neglected abused. What is wrong with the world that we treat our children so horribly and not only that treat our animals better? I am not saying we should treat animals bad. I am saying that we need to take responsability for our actions not just condemn the people who find themselves pregnant alone and unwed. Jesus loves all people and even those who do not believe in him. Jesus is a being and a human being that tried to bring love into a legalistic immorral world. People have choices and can choose the path of the righteous or the path to the road to damnation. But either paths have a fail safe, that is there is mercy and forgiveness there for those that confess their sins to the Lord and ask to be forgiven. Jesus died for our sins. My chains are gone they have been set free, My Lord, my God has ransomed me. I feel so strongly about those that feel that a person in a situation is damned for life. It is wrong to judge, if we are truly honest we all make mistakes, big ones and the world needs to find some compassion, empathy and love for the wounded instead of making the situation worse with judgement. I am who I am. I am who I will be the name of Yahweh. This applies to people, we are who we are and we are who we will be. There is always a path back to God always no matter what situation any person finds themself in. Nothing is too shameful, too ugly too unworthy to be healed by the LOrd. Nothing. I know I have been a professional working with others who have deep wounds. I say as long as there is life there is hope. The Bible says Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not be afraid. There is nothing to fear with God. God is love but God will not spare anyone the consequences of their actions and this in turn has a big impact on someone's life. Compassion not Judgement. Love not war. Peace not hatred. Anyways in this crazy world love is drowned out by the noise of media, sex, hate, violence etc etc. I will testify to Love until I die. I will be a witness in the silence to love and dare to be different. I will honour my savour by my voice, acts and love. I hope that people will finally listen to the words...LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR AS THYSELF. YOu have to love yourself, know love and then you can love another. I know, I know I sound like a preacher. I stand on my faith and relationship with Jesus.

Jesus would love no matter what!

Sincerely,

A Healer of Souls

Anonymous said...

im 20 yrs old and have a 5mth daughter. we've both hurt each other and have said things out of anger. and done things bad to each other as well. Im not sure if i truly love this guy because we are always on and off but i know i want to be with him the rest of my life.. just not when hes mad or angry. he takes meds for it...We just moved in with my family because we are tight with money and things have just been getting bad ever since i told him how great things have been. its like i jinxed it. Maybe i just want more of his attention but it hurts my feelings when he acts different and i say i love him and hes says it back in a toned that shows hes annoyed. he told me i say that too much. he also told me that i always want to be around him and we dont always have to be attacted. i kind of feel like what if hes right. but i dont really remember trying to always be with him. i give him space... today has been so bad and i just dont know what to do or think. i got pregnant with his child 3months after knowing him and we have always arrgued. he wasnt there the middle and end of my pregnancy. i have to let him know that his beautiful daughter was born. i also feel that he has a alcohol problem. and for some reason, most the time when he drinks i feel like i have to drink just to be equal. i dont know. i dont always drink with him but most the time i do. Please give me advise on this situation. i just want us to be happy like we used to be. now i only feel like hes happy when i give my body to him. And i feel like if i was rich he would love me more. I mean in every arrgument he always brings up how he pays for everything... thing is, hes the one who told me to quit my job so i can go to school. hes almost 8 yrs older than me by the way... i just really want our family to work out and i want to make him happy. If me having to be more distant with him and not tell hiom i love him as much is what he wants, then i can do that. I just dont want to and it makes me unhappy seeing how much were going through right now with eachother. its like he hears me but doesnt listen. i always have to explain myself. i truly believe i could need counseling because of this guy. im not my happy self anymore. only moments of happiness come when i see my daughter smile. I will never give up my faith with God. I guess i just have to be patient and see what God puts in my path. its just hard going through the process. :/ God Bless. Kelsea Rae S., San Antonio,TX

Anonymous said...

BTW, we are engaged now for the past few days but it doesnt seem right... not right now. Kelsea. R. S.

Timothy Fish said...

Kelsea, I’m too far removed from your situation to offer specific advice, but I can tell you that just from reading what you’ve said about your situation I fear for you. The first thing that you might ask yourself is how your situation compares to the ideal situation that God has outlined for us in his word. Then ask God for wisdom in how you can correct the problem. It isn’t always easy and it may require you to make some tough choices, but in the end you will be better off. We have plenty of examples in the Bible of people who didn’t do what was right and they suffered because of it. For example, Abraham, the great patriarch of the Jews, had a child by his wife’s handmaid and the Jews are still fighting with the descendants of that child today.

The ideal situation for a couple is a husband who loves his wife and a wife who respects her husband. But the kind of love the Bible is talking about isn’t the same kind of love that most people think of today. Husbands are supposed to love their wives to the point that they would be willing to die if it would save their wives. The Bible also tells us that God wants both people to be believers. That isn’t to say that a couple should get divorced if they are in that situation, but a believer should never marry an unbeliever. In the ideal situation, sex is reserved for a husband and a wife. You also mentioned alcohol. The Bible has a lot to say about the problems alcohol can cause. If you are already arguing, alcohol will only make it worse.

You say that you feel he would love you more if you had money. While the lack of money provides a convenient starting place for an argument, if it takes money for a man to love you then it isn’t really love. There are couples throughout the world who don’t have two dimes to rub together, but they love each other. On the other hand, I saw something the other day about a guy who was taking his friend to court; even though a business venture they were involved in had made them both multi-millionaires, this guy thought he should have gotten more money.

I don’t know the best way for you to handle your situation, but God does. The very best advice that I can offer is for you to spend a few hours in prayer asking God to show you how to correct the problems you are facing and then open your Bible and look for the answers there.

Anonymous said...

Run not walk away. I feel your pain & it will get worser b/f it get better. Think of your young child's future. If its Gods intension for y'all to be together after all the bull has been done, he'll send him back to you. I married the man I had a child with & 16 yrs later I am so miserable. He drank acohol heavy when I meet him & stll do. He is so vetbally abusive & show me no respect. I haven't had a happy life & don't wish this life on noone else. Wait on God not man.

Anonymous said...

I have been married for almost 9 years. I am very unhappy in this marrage. He is always angry with me no matter what i do. We have two kids together and he is a good dad when he wants to be. He is always getting onto them and saying bad words around them. They are scared of them. He use to beat on me. And last year he told me that he was on drugs and drinking so bad that when are daughter was born she was crying one night and he smothered her and she quite breathing and then he seen what he was doing he started to beat her back and she started to breath again. He told me this last year and she is 6 now. Ever since then i feel like idk who he is anymore. I just want out of this marrage and want my kids to have a happy childhood. I don't want them to have to come home thinking dad is mad and we are going to have a bad night. I also don't want to go to hell for getting a divorce. Please help me.

Timothy Fish said...

Anonymous 1:31 PM,

It is not my place to tell you what you should do concerning your marriage. I will say this, however: Even though the only “out” that Jesus gave was the situation in which fornication (sexual immorality) is involved, I don’t believe he would want us to continue in an unsafe situation. If drugs and alcohol are putting you and the kids in an unsafe situation, you need to find a way to separate yourself from the danger. If your husband is doing things like you describe, he ought to be in prison, not in the family home.

Separating yourself may or may not involve divorce. The ideal situation would be that after a period of separation, your husband would repent, accept Jesus as his savior and return to be a productive member of the family. In looking at the story of Hosea, that is what we see happened with Gomer. Hosea let her go for a time. It was only when she was broken and could see how far her sin had taken her that he was able to take her back.

Timothy Fish said...

To continue my answer to the anonymous post, let me say that divorce, while it is not what God wants for families is not the unpardonable sin. But neither is it the solution that many people think it will be. Many people have the idea that they can divorce their spouse and they will be free from them. What they fail to realize is that they will still see their spouse on a regular basis. If there are children involved, there will be the issue of custody. The courts don’t like to separate children from their parents, so even in bad situations there may be supervised visitation. The divorced couple will end up talking to each other concerning when the children will visit, to discuss their education, and many other things.

If your husband is involved in illegal activity that is endangering you and your children, you need to report it to the authorities. It is better that it come from you than from someone else. If your children’s teachers or social workers that work with your children notice evidence of abuse, they are obligated to report it to the authorities.

Alvin Marina said...
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Ms. C said...

In search for help. I have a child with a married man who is not happy or in love with his wife he keeps trying to pull away from her but always ends up staying. He tells me his heart is not with her. He feels like he will be walking out on his daughters. I have his only son. I love him dearly and don't understand does God want him to be in this unhappy marriage? In an unhappy home?

lee mason said...
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lee mason said...
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Shannon smith said...
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Manu Mehat said...
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